Go to hell

paradise lost Jannat You know you are in hell when: 1) The guy sitting inside the ticket counter at Ega complex, on a Monday night, shamelessly tells us to buy the ticket from the black-ticket seller right outside that window and the cop on the beat turns a blind eye. Af ter shelling out 100 bucks a piece for the 50-buck ticket, we sit on rickety old seats. The air-conditioning’s having an off-day. And, we find Emraan Hashmi not batting an eyelid when he mutters “Sixth Sense” as the perfectly logical explanation for his high-precision ability to guess what’s going to happen in the next ball of a live cricket match.

To afford his shopoholic girl’s love, this soothsayer turns into a bookie.

2. The guy who gives sex advice on Zoom takes a cue from Rusty (Brad Pitt, Oceans 11-13) and decides to deliver all his lines in the film eating something or the other. This sort of blasphemy can only be housed in hell. But for all that eating, Samir Kocchar does pretty okay as the righteous cop on the trail of the bookie. The other IPL-Sony anchor Vishal Malhotra, too, puts in an earnest performance. Or maybe, he just felt at home watching cricket from the sidelines.

3. You are just about taking the film seriously when the filmmaker raises the stakes and makes the rookie bookie come up with a brainwave: match-fixing. Whoa! Why didn’t they think of that before? Poor little underworld had its think-tank up there empty. So, evil underworld don who funds terrorism with revenues from betting decides only a soothsayer can fix matches because men with guns wouldn’t be capable of that. And, corrupt cricketers surely wouldn’t know their way to the gully where they can find a deep fine leg and a slip. They need Hashmi to take them to a strip club. Silly point, really.

4. The gorgeous Sonal Chauhan is a little too overdressed for a pole dancer at the end of the song. Also, for a film featuring the serial-kisser, the chemistry between the two is a failed experiment. The pretty thing does make us laugh in the emotional scenes. Especially, when she has to yell “Baaaaastards” in slow motion and four times at that for impact. And, you thought they retired that “bloody bastards” phrase back in the 80’s. The only thing funnier is the sight of Hashmi’s hairy paunch peeping out of his shirt. May the devil shave him!

5. You can actually hear Bob Woolmer turn in his grave as a pathetic firang extra playing a coach, walks in to a match-fixing deal in a hotel room and overacts before the gun goes off. Most of us in the hall laughed though the filmmakers didn’t quite intend that scene to go that way. But seriously, Bob, may your soul rest in peace.

6. You can hear wisecracks from the denizens of hell. So there’s this wannabe smart scene towards the end where the filmmaker goes in for contrast. Years have passed and the son born to the ambitious bookie and the shopoholic-stripper is at the supermarket. When the mom realises they don’t have enough money, the kid decides he doesn’t want this stuff because he’s content. That was when we knew that the guys who made this film aren’t the only ones going to hell. One of the guys in the hall dramatically protested aloud: “Arrey! Yeh uska beta nahin hai.”

Mahesh Bhatt and family, this kid can’t be yours, indeed!

Jannat Genre: Drama Director: Kunal Deshmukh Cast: Emraan Hashmi, Sonal Chauhan, Samir Kochhar Storyline: A bookie fixes matches, loses his. Bottomline: Don’t put your money on this. SUDHISH KAMATH